"Freedom is the right of every sentient being..."

Bloggy-

So I've seen Transformers three times now - call me a huge nerd, mostly cause I am. It's been amazing the past few times that I've seen it. And I'll make a small confession - I've cried every time Optimus Prime transforms for the first time from semi-tractor trailer to his full on glorious state of Optimus Freaking Prime. How can you not? It's the resurrection of my childhood, the symbol of strength for an entire generation of boys - forget that weirdo "He-Man" (okay, so I would totally go and see a well done He-Man movie because, well, I watched a lot of that as a kid too), Optimus Prime is where it's at! But moving along, the film does delve into some serious (okay...somewhat serious) discussion about human choice, the sin of the father (a wee bit), courage, Linkin Park, and is redemption of the human race possible. The last, of course, is something that has captured my attention (that and the running gun battle that takes up about an hour of the film - which is SO SWEET) - I deal in the business of talking redemption and salvation, but Megatron raises the point to Optimus during a rather heated discussion ("we don't fight in this house young man!") that the human race doesn't deserve to be saved, to which Optimus Prime responds that every species should have the opportunity to chose. We learn two things here: 1. Optimus Prime and John Calvin would not have been friends, 2. Action movies do occasionally have substance (Put that in your [John] Piper and smoke it academy!). Anyway, loved the movie.

Moving on to more important things, my friend Anna came to visit today and that was swell. Anna and I go way back (about five years, which at 23 is like forever) and it was good to catch up. I like having Anna as a friend - she's an honest and good person who is also quick witted and full of movie quotes (although she doesn't want to see Transformers...minus one cool point). We sat around with Josh and just talked and it was good. I miss having Anna around - she's a really good friend and God was good in allowing us to get to know each other. Now, before we move on, at some point in this blog I'm going to chat about stuff that has nothing to do with Anna, so don't get any ideas occasional readers of bloggy! We had our "When Harry Met Sally" conversation long ago!

Yesterday was nerve racking - I went to bed at about 2:30 am because I was doing laundry (we finally got a 'working' washer and dryer!) and cleaning the house because the trustees were coming over to look at the house. In case I haven't fully disclosed my living situation, I live near the church and rent from the trustees - which means that I rent from the people who pay me. Yeah. Talk about weird. Anyway, they wanted to come over and see what colours we painted the house (perfume bath, amaryllis yellow, marigold drop and fresh if you were wondering) which meant that I needed to clean the entire house like it hasn't been cleaned before! I was rather successful in that venture with the help of my super awesome roommate. Anyhow, so I was up late, then got up at 9:00 and went to work, then came home briefly to change, then went and picked up two students, worked a bit on the habitat house and then raced home for the inspection of my home. Yeah. Then went to Transformers. Good times.

I turned my application in at the volunteer fire station in Hartford a couple of days ago - I'm really hoping that I get on in the next few weeks/months - I spent some time with the guys, got to know the chief and assistant chief (who goes to my roommates church) and that was pretty swell. I just think it'd be a great opportunity to get to know some people in town and get to really pour into the community through practical work, dig?

Now for the general musings that come with this blog - I'm struggling with the whole dating thing. Wait - struggle implies that I'm involved in it! :) Anyway, I always hoped that I would transition from being friends with someone for awhile and then date. It seems right and natural - you know the good the bad, how they react, etc., and then you move into a...how to put this...a special friendship. I've got plenty of great friends that are gals (now you understand the warning from earlier), but nothing's really developed over the years. I think that the thing that bothers me about all of this at that it bothers me. I'm pretty aware of the fact that of all my closest friends, I'm pretty much the only guy who is not in a relationship. I guess it wouldn't matter so much if I didn't feel as though I were a failure at something - I guess if you wanted to sit me down on a couch, that's probably the root of the whole thing. People keep asking - mentors, friends, relatives, my parent's, people at church (that's usually their first question when they meet me), everyone, and when I say that I'm single, it's almost like I've disappointed them, and I have a huge problem with that. Granted, that's probably not the only reason (in fact, I know it's not), but I would say it's a significant piece of the pie.

What makes it worse is that at some point somewhere someone was attracted to me, but I create this aura that makes it hard for people to share with me, and I don't know how to change that. I know this because I put up the honesty box application on my facebook profile and got an admission, and it's causing me some serious problems. The biggest is the realization that I'm not a safe person, which is what I've always wanted to be, is just someone that people can feel free to talk to about who they are and what's going on. Granted, this is an attraction issue, so it's probably in a different realm, but to me, they're pretty well connected. Lack of ability to admit long term attraction to me translates into a realization that John (that would be me if you don't know who's blog this is) will move into a posture of judgement and anger. I know that I get heated about issues I care about - the validity and intent of scripture, education, ethics in politics, justice - but do I carry that with me in my day to day? I must, if this is this woman (I don't like boys...it's okay if they don't tell me they're attracted to me) is terrified to tell me that she's liked me for awhile. Another component, and the one that should be the initial reason for personal concern is, what if? Heck, I'm horrible at this kind of thing, but what if? Who knows, all I know is that I'm having a personal breakdown over less than twenty words on facebook. That has to be a whole new level of pathetic!! :D

Anyway, I'm getting ready for the National Youth Workers Convention (did you like that shift? I thought it was slick - but don't worry, there'll be more at some point) - we're going to Atlanta and I've got some really good friends that I'll be traveling down with. It'll be an interesting trip because we have people from all over the theological spectrum and experience gambit - Methodists (both left and right), Church of Christ, Lutheran, Presbyterian, Wesleyan, Evangelical Free, and Independent Charismatic. What a van load! The real question is, did we choose to be here or was this predetermined since the beginning of time?

So I think this may be the last thing, but probably not, I'll just meander until I'm done. I've mentioned before that I'm trying out one of those dating websites (***See "Even Murders Are Getting Married!***), and I've been talking to one gal in particular. We're at the mail phase, which I can say I've never hit before, but it's pretty important to me. Anyway, I bring up this awesomely...weird...piece of my life because I can't even do that well. I'm learning through this process that I'm really bad at personal motivation and really good at unintentionally scarring (not scaring!!) other human beings. I don't even know how to fully explain my screw-up except to say that I should probably find a robot and date her. And beyond that, this whole thing is weird, as I mentioned in the aforementioned post because - well, it's like...it's almost like I'm paying for a breakup! Maybe my lack of hope has something to do with this relationship problem of mine (hardee har har har). I'm probably spending way too much time thinking about this, but I've got way too much time on my hands.

For example, my average day looks something like this:
1. Wake up between 9:00 am and 9:45 am.
2. Take a shower
3. About 10:00 - 10:15 am, roll into the office and tell Paula I'm there
4. Work until 2:00 pm...have lunch or breakfast, whatever you want to call it
5. Work from 2:30 until...neh...usually between 4:00 and 6:00 pm
6. Go home (a long trip mind you)
7. Maybe eat. Maybe see what Hartford people are up to. maybe clean. usually sit around for awhile wishing I had a book for the love of all that is good and holy!
8. Go to bed around midnight or so
9. Repeat until Friday...skip to step 7 from 11:00 am until I sleep

What you don't see is that there is a lot of time away from people (I'm really, REALLY social, but my schedule doesn't show it all that much) and a lot of time to think...A WHOLE LOT. Not good for John. Not good at all! So welcome to this thing, where I ramble on about what goes on in that time by myself. It's important to know that I'm more balanced than I present myself here - I know that there's nothing really wrong with me (outside of the obvious!), but when I'm alone...no one can hear my mind scream (sometimes I blow up glasses with my mind...that makes me happy!).

Now I'm just typing. I'm sitting at Payne's watching the crowd move in and out and that's what I've been doing the entire time. I kinda just want to sitdown at random tables and talk to people, but this doesn't seem like that kind of crowd. But a lot of them seem like they'd have great stories. Okay, now I'm sounding creepy - I'm turning into 'that guy' (but not 'THAT guy' or worse yet [whispers with tears in eyes] 'it was... [looks at ground and holds hands over face...begins to sob]...that guy...').

Okay, so now I'm going to peace out. Maybe I should tell one or two more people about you bloggy. Well, keep it real.

Dr. J

Bloggy-

'Fore I go to bed, let me just say that my mind is pretty much killing me! So I got that "honesty box" for facebook and threw it up this afternoon and some girl either a) as a super mean prank or b) to...I don't even know why! put that she likes me! Why are women so weird! Anyway, now I'm looking at every girl I know that has facebook like "Are you the one walking around with a wee bit of a crush on me? Is that how you roll?" Oh, and I read Ruth today, that was an excellent book. A couple of things I took away today:

1. The oppening paragraph makes it a point that they (Naomi and her sons and husband) left Israel for Moab...hmmmm...
2. Boaz was full of integrity
3. Family affiliation was huge.

Okay...tommorw, Esther maybe?