"Easy Like Sunday Morning"

Bloggy-

It's been a short night. I went to bed at midnight (hacking and coughing and whatnot) and I slept pretty well (I made have had a little help) until about 3:00 am when I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. For the most part, the coughing has subsided, but I got some quality time in with God about things. That probably took up less than an hour though. So here it is, 5:46 in the morning, and I'm left writing to you.

As part of said conversation with the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth and a lot of reflection after, I had a moment of clarity or two. I guess the big one surrounds this whole singleness issues. Maybe not that, more like my issue with commitment and me and everything that's involved with that. I've come to realize that I am so very afraid of rejection that I only think about asking out gals who if they were to reject me (which they won't since I won't actually ask them out), it's of no real consequence. I know where this comes from and it's weird for me to own up to what could be mildy labled as my my 'mother wound' and my 'Melissa wound.' I'm generally terrified of women - my mom today that all of my friends love is not the same woman who was my mother for the first 20 years of my life. There's...well...there's a lot there. She's a good person now (I'm not going to lie, I was going to put woman there, but in a post that's headed down the road of dating, I really don't want to refer to my my mom as a woman...weird, I know), but she wasn't always. And then there's the Melissa incident. Oh, I could talk about that for hours, but to keep it short, honestly, she was the first woman (see) I was ever in love with. I don't mean like, hey, I'm in High School and really like you, but in the realest possible sense that I could love someone. I remember the day that I realized, hey, this is freaking Melissa and telling a couple of my friends - they all gave me this look like I was an idiot and one of them even said "You didn't know? How the hell could you not know? We all knew that you loved her!" Anyway, I also remember the worst night of my life, where, oddly enough, it was a one-two combination of the infulences of these two women that put in front of me the option to really shut down that part of my life for almost five years (oh, by the way, I took that option and here I am!).

So why all of this meandering? Why all of this talk? Because 1) that's all I talk about on here and 2) things about my choices are starting to make sense to me. Like the whole eHarmony thing - all of those women could (and eventually did) say no and reject me for a variety of reasons (let's be honest, I'm 23, have a huge beard, am not the thinnest man, am slightly arrogant, watch cartoons made for children, am only a technical virgin -which is no virgin at all - and am a youth pastor - who's all that surprised?) and there wouldn't be much of an emotional toll. I'd actually've been really wondering what to do if someone had been interested in me. I put myself in a place to be rejected (I'll show you a soon to happen example shortly) because, in a really self-destructive and sick way, I'm the most comfortable there...it's an additiction really.

I remember the three times that I made a move out of this towards something better. I'll give you a single guess as to how those attempts worked out. The first gal got five or six months in and let it all go (and to be honest, as I was still recovering from the night I probably wasn't helping any). The second gal, well, I'm not sure at what moment she decided that she wasn't in to me, but I got a letter on a Tuesday that casually mentioned that she didn't want to date me. And the third gal was the last one where I put the idea of commitment out there, which she flatly rejected. All three of them - married. (By the way, every girl I've ever dated is married, this even includes most of the girls I 'went out' with in middle school!)

Anyway, even now as I think back on my last few months of posting, I shoot low or for people I can easily escape from or from whom if they did say no, not much is lost. Because, in this whole post-Melissa landscape (by the way, I love Melissa. No longer in the hand holding hugging kissing sort of way, but I dearly love her as my friend. We talk all the time and I'm not bitter towards her - she's just a landmark person in my life), there's only really one gal who I can say without a doubt would knock Melissa off her pedastool. Hmmmm...we'll call her...Diana (not her real name...I don't know that I know any Diana's right now anyhow!).

SO she doesn't live around here anymore, which generally makes me suspect of the whole thing because, as mentioned above, it's easy to escape from. But that notwithstanding, here we go. I knew of her for about a year of college and knew her my junior and legitimate senior year. We still talk at least two or three times a month - and she's still single. Which is really hard to believe. Like really hard. Moving along, I have admitted to a friend or two in confidence that I would move to...well...wherever she is east of the ole miss (1. I know where she lives and 2. I say ole' miss cause I can't spell...that state/river) with little hesitation if she were slightly interested in me (after my eventual graduation from college which should happen this august) and not think twice about it. That's where my first big tip off came. Anyhow, she's a poet, funny, a little nutty, and probably a bit smarter than me. So I was thinking about how one would mention these feelings because I think it's time for me to finally grow up and take a risk because, heck, things aren't working for me as they are (by the way, this is all 6:20 am bluster - by this afternoon, I'll have sobered my judgements earnestly and heavily reconsidered and realized that this all foolishiness, but play along with me bloggy!). So imagined (as any good person with an overactive imagination that can't sleep would) how the conversation would go. I wrote earlier that I would demonstrate how I put myself in place to be rejected, and here we go! Imagine, if you will, this all midconversation and generally light hearted and hahahaha(and by the way, she doesn't even know I have a blog, so this isn't a half hearted tounge in cheek thing):

Me: So, here's the question we have to get to as Taylorites, Ms. Diana, are you married yet?
Her: Oh you know, John...sooo many options that I haven't really picked one yet
Me: For sure, for sure. But seriously?
Her: No, not married. Not really dating anyone. It's been kind of hard getting to know people here and I just think I'm going to wait until after I'm back from teaching [ESL overseas]
Me: You always say that!
Her: I always mean it! There's just no point, you know, in starting something when I'm just going to move off to Taiwan or Indonesia or Swaziland. You know?
Me: I guess...I see that...[and this is where the conversation will realistically break off, but let's pretend for a moment that I grew a pair of testicles in the next few days]...but, can I be fer serious for a second?
Her: Oh no! Serious! Why would you do such a thing? And yes.
Me: Diana, you're a friend of mine. Probably one of the top tier friends, so feel honored and whatnot, so take this however you will [see the avoidance and escape language? Brilliant!]. You're beautiful and you're wonderful. I've known you, what, five years? I think you're...well...there've been one too many lines written by one too many song writers in the past few generations to describe how pretty you are, so I'll let that one be. But you're beautiful through and through and through [insert all thos positive emotional, spritiual and other qualities blah blah blah]...if you were interested in me, and I'm not saying that I think you are or should be or whatever, [again, see the hypothetical nature of the langauge? See how clumsily it comes close to flirting and sending a message, but it really doesn't?] but if you were I know that there'd be no question in my getting a passport and going to Beijing to...well...do whatever while you pass on some mad english skills [see the Hollywood and New York and Ontario influenced romance language from the chick flick genre? But back off, this is my imaginiative conversaton!]. I'm just your friend, and I can't imagine that there aren't a few guys who would jump at the opportunity. I guess...I guess I'm rambling and not making a whole lot of sense, but I think that you're using a silly excuse not to look around and not to date. But hey, what do I know? I'm still in the extended adolescence of college.
Her: Oh. Hmm. Well. Thanks? Hey, you know that project I was talking about earlier, I think I'm going to go work on that now. It was great talking to you and all, but I'll talk to you later, yeah?
Me: Yeah! Swell! It's awesome that we're friends!
Her: Yep. Friends. Good solid friends. By friend!

So there you go...my lame imagination ends with me being rejected - it's like I can't even see a world where that doesn't happen! Anyway, it's 6:41, which means that I've been thinking about this way too long. And I've already talked myself out of having that lameo convo with her, but here's the point; I now know that I'm intentionally setting my sights low and trying to settle but trying to fail at settling, so doesn't that balance itself all out? The answer? Not at all. But now that I know I'm sick and really looked at how it's affected me, shouldn't that help me fix it? Probably not. Not until I'm thin and pretty. That'll pretty much fix everything (he says not being all that sarcastic). Seriously though, (and I was being more than a little serious in that last comment) I know what I need to work on. If I ever want to get married, have kids, and experience marital style intimacy, I've got to fix this. May Grace cover this.

"What the world needs now..."

Bloggy-

So today I have a final. Guess who hasn't studied? That's right, me. And what am I doing? Blogging (something I've done with regular inconsistency since September), so we know where I stand on the whole studying issue. Anyway, I've got an ethical issue that I'm sorting out. And it's this kind of ethical dilemma (?) that will bar me from hiring a single youth pastor if, God forbid, I become a real pastor. I'm not attracted to a student or former student (just to clear that up for everyone), so it's nothing like that. I just - what's the wisdom of asking out one of your adult sponsors? Probably not very. Especially if she seems the type who doesn't date all that much. She's much quieter than I am - that's for sure. I'm not even positive why (by the way, I am studying right now as I blog...yay...) I'm attracted to her. She's very sweet, very kind, she connects well with students - - - I think she's funny. But heck, I think this about a ton of people. And to prove my shallowness as a man, yes, she is very pretty. I don't know. The best way to solve this quandary is by dating lot's of women who aren't her and aren't volunteers in my youth group. First, that'll prove my manly prowess and virility (right?) and show that I shouldn't date someone who is much quieter than I am because I would just dominate them in conversation and everything else. Okay, so in that last sentence, I just ran the course of the 'what if' and it seems like a good decision to not ever date for any reason. Awesome.

Okay, maybe that was a bit over the top. But seriously. I won't be asking her out. Yes. That realization came to me as I typed. Why won't I? Basic reasoning - it would be amazingly awkward if she said no. Second, that would totally be an abuse of authority for me to do so. Third, it'd raise (unwarranted) suspicions as to why I ask any woman to help out with the youth group. Fourth, I fear rejection. Fifth, she's way younger than I am (did I mention she's a freshman?). Sixth, if she says yes and then we do date and things click really well, then the other women (and possibly men) would feel threatened by her continued presence. Seventh, picking up on the last point, my relationship past is dotted with breakups (hence singless now...logic! It's so wonderful!), so if that trend continues (and someday I hope it'll break) what happens to the students when we break up? You see how smart I am? Very. Eighth, asking her out would be a tactic admission of either a)laziness b) lack of options or c) lack of creativity, because I mean, seriously, she's one of only six or seven collegiate women I see on a regular basis.

Wow. I'm amazing. I didn't even need you bloggy. Okay, so I did, but only to process. For a long string of one's and zero's you're a great listener. I'm the man. That's right, I Da Man!

"I now pronounce you Husband and Wife"

Dear Bloggy-

I come to you at the end of a long, long day - but a joyous day indeed! I wrote this morning and then drove back to the lodge where I was informed it was my duty to hangout on the beach and enjoy the day - enjoying the day consisted of reading some more of Jack Kerouac's "On the Road" on the side of the lake, eating lunch, playing some baci (Sp?) ball and just generally having a good afternoon. After that, I went up, got dressed, and started getting ready for the wedding.

Anne was beautiful and Chad was darling (did I just sound...ummmm...girly?) and the ceremony went well - I was the last person to call Anne Anne Simmons and the first to refer to her as Anne Hope; I know what you're thinking - such a stud! Anyway, I do have some pictures that the photographers took and I'll be putting them up here soon.

Anyway, the reception was great - lot's of great food, friends, dancing (and an open bar...seven Sam Adam's and two rum and cokes and here I am!). Afterwards we went down to the beach for some late night swimming and fire - oh how sweet it's been!

I did realize some things today though as I was prepping for the wedding, doing my reading and also just kind of existing around the whole wedding scene - are you ready for some crazy awesome realizations? Well here they are bloggy!
1. I miss writing - I haven't been reading any 'good' literature of late. Everything I've been reading has had to do with work or something like that, but today as I was reading "On The Road" something came alive in me again and I'm looking to write - I'm itching to do it. So yeah, hopefully I'll be putting some new stuff together soon and using that typewriter on my desk at home!

2. I miss adventure - Again, "On the Road" reminded me that I used to have adventures and find places and travel and have good times - I haven't done that in forever. I think I've let working in a church 'tame' me - I've lost Aslan's roar and that's not a good thing. I need to start just taking a random trip/adventure/dumb move once a month at least. I need to travel and dig the road (oh Jack! How you write that makes me feel!)

3. Weddings are fun and great and beautiful, but they're only a moment. The marriage begins today, but doesn't end today. It's just the start.

4. I miss having GREAT friends around to talk to and just be with. I miss talking until late in the night about things that matter and having people who hugged and touched and loved (not in a sick sexual way, Bloggy, but in a healthy friend way). I don't have that right now and maybe my loneliness stems from that, but what do I know...I'm no psychologist!

5. I am looking forward to marriage - not tomorrow, but yeah, it's something I want to do. I don't want to wait forever, but it's a good thing - a hard thing to be sure, but good.

SO I think that covers my lessons about myself, bloggy. I know you just love my introspection...

Anyway, it's pretty late and I'm headed to Mars Hill tomorrow for church pretty early, so I'll write you later kid!

Dr. J.

"Freedom is the right of every sentient being..."

Bloggy-

So I've seen Transformers three times now - call me a huge nerd, mostly cause I am. It's been amazing the past few times that I've seen it. And I'll make a small confession - I've cried every time Optimus Prime transforms for the first time from semi-tractor trailer to his full on glorious state of Optimus Freaking Prime. How can you not? It's the resurrection of my childhood, the symbol of strength for an entire generation of boys - forget that weirdo "He-Man" (okay, so I would totally go and see a well done He-Man movie because, well, I watched a lot of that as a kid too), Optimus Prime is where it's at! But moving along, the film does delve into some serious (okay...somewhat serious) discussion about human choice, the sin of the father (a wee bit), courage, Linkin Park, and is redemption of the human race possible. The last, of course, is something that has captured my attention (that and the running gun battle that takes up about an hour of the film - which is SO SWEET) - I deal in the business of talking redemption and salvation, but Megatron raises the point to Optimus during a rather heated discussion ("we don't fight in this house young man!") that the human race doesn't deserve to be saved, to which Optimus Prime responds that every species should have the opportunity to chose. We learn two things here: 1. Optimus Prime and John Calvin would not have been friends, 2. Action movies do occasionally have substance (Put that in your [John] Piper and smoke it academy!). Anyway, loved the movie.

Moving on to more important things, my friend Anna came to visit today and that was swell. Anna and I go way back (about five years, which at 23 is like forever) and it was good to catch up. I like having Anna as a friend - she's an honest and good person who is also quick witted and full of movie quotes (although she doesn't want to see Transformers...minus one cool point). We sat around with Josh and just talked and it was good. I miss having Anna around - she's a really good friend and God was good in allowing us to get to know each other. Now, before we move on, at some point in this blog I'm going to chat about stuff that has nothing to do with Anna, so don't get any ideas occasional readers of bloggy! We had our "When Harry Met Sally" conversation long ago!

Yesterday was nerve racking - I went to bed at about 2:30 am because I was doing laundry (we finally got a 'working' washer and dryer!) and cleaning the house because the trustees were coming over to look at the house. In case I haven't fully disclosed my living situation, I live near the church and rent from the trustees - which means that I rent from the people who pay me. Yeah. Talk about weird. Anyway, they wanted to come over and see what colours we painted the house (perfume bath, amaryllis yellow, marigold drop and fresh if you were wondering) which meant that I needed to clean the entire house like it hasn't been cleaned before! I was rather successful in that venture with the help of my super awesome roommate. Anyhow, so I was up late, then got up at 9:00 and went to work, then came home briefly to change, then went and picked up two students, worked a bit on the habitat house and then raced home for the inspection of my home. Yeah. Then went to Transformers. Good times.

I turned my application in at the volunteer fire station in Hartford a couple of days ago - I'm really hoping that I get on in the next few weeks/months - I spent some time with the guys, got to know the chief and assistant chief (who goes to my roommates church) and that was pretty swell. I just think it'd be a great opportunity to get to know some people in town and get to really pour into the community through practical work, dig?

Now for the general musings that come with this blog - I'm struggling with the whole dating thing. Wait - struggle implies that I'm involved in it! :) Anyway, I always hoped that I would transition from being friends with someone for awhile and then date. It seems right and natural - you know the good the bad, how they react, etc., and then you move into a...how to put this...a special friendship. I've got plenty of great friends that are gals (now you understand the warning from earlier), but nothing's really developed over the years. I think that the thing that bothers me about all of this at that it bothers me. I'm pretty aware of the fact that of all my closest friends, I'm pretty much the only guy who is not in a relationship. I guess it wouldn't matter so much if I didn't feel as though I were a failure at something - I guess if you wanted to sit me down on a couch, that's probably the root of the whole thing. People keep asking - mentors, friends, relatives, my parent's, people at church (that's usually their first question when they meet me), everyone, and when I say that I'm single, it's almost like I've disappointed them, and I have a huge problem with that. Granted, that's probably not the only reason (in fact, I know it's not), but I would say it's a significant piece of the pie.

What makes it worse is that at some point somewhere someone was attracted to me, but I create this aura that makes it hard for people to share with me, and I don't know how to change that. I know this because I put up the honesty box application on my facebook profile and got an admission, and it's causing me some serious problems. The biggest is the realization that I'm not a safe person, which is what I've always wanted to be, is just someone that people can feel free to talk to about who they are and what's going on. Granted, this is an attraction issue, so it's probably in a different realm, but to me, they're pretty well connected. Lack of ability to admit long term attraction to me translates into a realization that John (that would be me if you don't know who's blog this is) will move into a posture of judgement and anger. I know that I get heated about issues I care about - the validity and intent of scripture, education, ethics in politics, justice - but do I carry that with me in my day to day? I must, if this is this woman (I don't like boys...it's okay if they don't tell me they're attracted to me) is terrified to tell me that she's liked me for awhile. Another component, and the one that should be the initial reason for personal concern is, what if? Heck, I'm horrible at this kind of thing, but what if? Who knows, all I know is that I'm having a personal breakdown over less than twenty words on facebook. That has to be a whole new level of pathetic!! :D

Anyway, I'm getting ready for the National Youth Workers Convention (did you like that shift? I thought it was slick - but don't worry, there'll be more at some point) - we're going to Atlanta and I've got some really good friends that I'll be traveling down with. It'll be an interesting trip because we have people from all over the theological spectrum and experience gambit - Methodists (both left and right), Church of Christ, Lutheran, Presbyterian, Wesleyan, Evangelical Free, and Independent Charismatic. What a van load! The real question is, did we choose to be here or was this predetermined since the beginning of time?

So I think this may be the last thing, but probably not, I'll just meander until I'm done. I've mentioned before that I'm trying out one of those dating websites (***See "Even Murders Are Getting Married!***), and I've been talking to one gal in particular. We're at the mail phase, which I can say I've never hit before, but it's pretty important to me. Anyway, I bring up this awesomely...weird...piece of my life because I can't even do that well. I'm learning through this process that I'm really bad at personal motivation and really good at unintentionally scarring (not scaring!!) other human beings. I don't even know how to fully explain my screw-up except to say that I should probably find a robot and date her. And beyond that, this whole thing is weird, as I mentioned in the aforementioned post because - well, it's like...it's almost like I'm paying for a breakup! Maybe my lack of hope has something to do with this relationship problem of mine (hardee har har har). I'm probably spending way too much time thinking about this, but I've got way too much time on my hands.

For example, my average day looks something like this:
1. Wake up between 9:00 am and 9:45 am.
2. Take a shower
3. About 10:00 - 10:15 am, roll into the office and tell Paula I'm there
4. Work until 2:00 pm...have lunch or breakfast, whatever you want to call it
5. Work from 2:30 until...neh...usually between 4:00 and 6:00 pm
6. Go home (a long trip mind you)
7. Maybe eat. Maybe see what Hartford people are up to. maybe clean. usually sit around for awhile wishing I had a book for the love of all that is good and holy!
8. Go to bed around midnight or so
9. Repeat until Friday...skip to step 7 from 11:00 am until I sleep

What you don't see is that there is a lot of time away from people (I'm really, REALLY social, but my schedule doesn't show it all that much) and a lot of time to think...A WHOLE LOT. Not good for John. Not good at all! So welcome to this thing, where I ramble on about what goes on in that time by myself. It's important to know that I'm more balanced than I present myself here - I know that there's nothing really wrong with me (outside of the obvious!), but when I'm alone...no one can hear my mind scream (sometimes I blow up glasses with my mind...that makes me happy!).

Now I'm just typing. I'm sitting at Payne's watching the crowd move in and out and that's what I've been doing the entire time. I kinda just want to sitdown at random tables and talk to people, but this doesn't seem like that kind of crowd. But a lot of them seem like they'd have great stories. Okay, now I'm sounding creepy - I'm turning into 'that guy' (but not 'THAT guy' or worse yet [whispers with tears in eyes] 'it was... [looks at ground and holds hands over face...begins to sob]...that guy...').

Okay, so now I'm going to peace out. Maybe I should tell one or two more people about you bloggy. Well, keep it real.

Dr. J